“He just throws things when he’s upset.”
“She cries for hours if we say no.”
“I don’t think she even knows why she’s angry.”
As a child psychiatrist, I hear such concerns almost every day. These aren’t signs of “bad behavior” — they are often signs of children struggling with emotional regulation.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to understand, manage, and express emotions in a healthy way. It’s not about suppressing feelings, but about navigating them. For children, especially in the early years, this is a skill that’s still developing — and they need help building it.
How Children Express Emotions?
A toddler who screams in frustration or a 7-year-old who shuts down after a fight — both are showing us that their internal world is in chaos. Unlike adults, children don’t yet have the language or coping strategies to express what’s going on inside.
Younger children (1–6 years): Often show emotions physically — hitting, crying, biting, tantrums.
Older children (7–12 years): May use words, but often struggle with naming feelings; may withdraw or act out.
Teens: May use sarcasm, isolation, or risky behavior as emotional outlets.
Why Emotional Regulation Matters?
Children who can regulate their emotions:
- Handle stress better
- Form healthier relationships
- Have improved attention and learning abilities
- Are less likely to develop anxiety or behavioral issues later
Teaching emotional regulation is not a luxury. It’s a foundational life skill.
What Gets in the Way?
- Neurodevelopmental conditions like ADHD or ASD
- Trauma or chronic stress
- Over-scheduling and lack of unstructured play
- Parental stress or emotional unavailability
- Screen overuse, limiting emotional processing time
Co-Regulation: It Starts With You
One of the most powerful tools is co-regulation — when a calm, supportive adult helps a child manage their emotions. It’s not always about fixing the problem, but about being present in the storm.
- Sit beside them during a meltdown
- Use a calm tone, even if they’re screaming
- Validate the feeling: “It’s okay to be upset. I’m here with you.”
- Give them space, but don’t abandon them emotionally
Practical Tools for Teaching Emotional Regulation
- Name the Feeling: Help them say, “I’m frustrated” instead of throwing things.
- Emotion Cards or Charts: Visuals that show different facial expressions can help children identify feelings.
- Mindfulness Games: Deep breathing, blowing bubbles, or guided imagery.
- Books & Stories: Use picture books that explore emotions.
- Create a Calm Corner: A quiet, cozy space with soft toys, sensory tools, and emotion charts.
When to Seek Help?
If your child’s emotional outbursts are frequent, extreme, or impacting their relationships or learning, it might be time to consult a child mental health professional. Early support can make a world of difference.
Final Thoughts
Big emotions can feel scary — not just for children, but also for the adults raising them. But with patience, modeling, and the right tools, children can learn to ride the emotional waves instead of being swept away by them.
Let’s teach them that all feelings are welcome — but not all behaviors are okay. That’s where emotional regulation begins.